Farm Animals 2
by Connie Nervegas
Summary: Mikey has the gene for chaos and Don has the know-how to make it happen.


_I should write about bunny!Don. I know I'll get concern over Don being an arsonist, but whatever. _

_Mikey and Don watch TV , both looking very bored._

Jim Lehrer - Today the DOW fell 400 points, the largest drop in over a week…

Mikey - That sucks. I feel bad for all those people who lost their money. Except the rich people. I don't feel bad for them.

Don - I want to blow up a silo.

Mikey - I told Leo we would stay out of trouble. We're supposed to be out here to have a spiritual… whatever.

Don - I found some old CB radios.

Mikey - Let's call up truck drivers!

_Both sitting in front of an old CB radio in the barn. Mikey is reading a playboy._

Mikey - Hey! Leo and Raph were supposed to be out here cleaning. All they did was read porn and get drunk! Well, we're better than that! We make our own fun. Plus, we don't have any beer. Check out this chick on the horse!

_Sticks the old porn in front of Don's face while he fiddles with the CB._

Don - This is TechFerret. Who is this?

Truck Driver - (static) Yeah? This is BuckwheatJane. Where you at?

Mikey - Dude! That lady sounds like Raph! Hey, Jane! Would you date my brother? You sound so tough that I bet he would be the bitch in the relationship.

BuckwheatJane - What's he look like?

Don - We're in New Hampshire. Where are you?

BuckwheatJane - South Carolina.

Mikey - Aw. That sucks. You should come up here and we can have a party.

BuckwheatJane - I'm a lotta woman and I need two men to keep me satisfied.

Don - We're brothers, so that's a little gross.

Mikey - Not in South Carolina, man. Don't be so narrow minded!

BuckwheatJane - You saying you'll have a threesome with your own brother? That's fucked up. I did that with my cousin once, but that's different. She gave me a yeast infection too.

Don - Yeah, Mikey. Wanna have group sex?

Mikey - What? With each other?

Don - Yeah, sure. Come up here.

Mikey - Actually… I have a girlfriend.

Don - So? Bring her along? It'll be no different than those family orgies we throw after family reunions.

Mikey - We have to go. Um… left the stove on.

_Mikey turns the CB off and windmills his arms around._

Mikey - That was sick! Have a three-way together?

Don - Don't worry. Like I want you around when I'm doing that? It's not enough that we have to shit in the same room. We have to have sex too? I mean, there are some things I want to keep sacred. And you'd probably be a screamer.

Mikey - You're right. Probably couldn't stand the competition with me in the room.

Don - That kind of communal behavior might be well and good for tribal people living in the Amazon, but we don't live in the Amazon.

Mikey - Dude, I'd have sex with you in room.

Don - You'd have sex with a marching band in the room. Can we talk about something else. Let's blow up… a barn.

Mikey - No! Nothing that blows up. Let's do something harmless.

Don - Like what?

_A cow grazes peacefully, some lying asleep in the dark pasture. Mikey and Don huddle in a bush near the abandoned road._

Mikey - This is so lame! They're all lying down!

Don - What did you think would happen? They all sleep standing up like giraffes? Do giraffes sleep standing up? I know some animals you can knock over.

_Some goats graze peacefully near a herd of its fellows. Mikey and Don are standing in the paddock. _

Mikey - This looks lame. They're all asleep too.

_Don makes a loud noise and runs at the goats. They are startled and jump up, their legs go rigid and they fall over._

Mikey - That's awesome! You killed them all… Wait! You killed all those goats, Don! Goat murderer! I hope they haunt you!

_A few goats stand up and stagger stiffly to the food trough._

Don - They're fine. They're called fainting goats. They fall down when they get scared.

Mikey - Like foot ninjas.

_Mikey does a funny zombie walk and then collapses. A screen door creaks and they both disappear into the foliage as soon as a farmer's voice is heard._

_LATER _

_Mikey is putting on a large hoodie and jeans and covering himself completely. Don is watching TV again._

Don - Another guy drowned on that pier back in Brooklyn. Apparently, the best time to take a romantic walk on the beach is during a tropical storm. Where are you going?

Mikey - Into town to get beer. Or Coke if I can't ninja it out of there. Which I totally could, but my conscience might keep me from it.

Don - How are you getting there? They dropped us off. It's kind of a hike and the store will be closed by the time you get there.

Mikey - We could borrow something.

_A giant combine slowly roars down the road with the headlights illuminating the dark ahead. _

Don - Real stealthy, Mikey.

Mikey - It's the perfect kind of stealth. Hiding out in the open. Leo would be happy about it. We listened to his boring lectures and took some of it into real life.

Don - I don't know if this is what he meant. Let's make crop circles on the way back. Then we can see it on the news tomorrow. I like to have proof that we exist sometimes.

Mikey - (imitating Splinter) The true ninja does not care for notoriety or fame. He only cares for the safety and love of his household.

Don - Well, the true ninja can stick his safety and love up his ass.

Mikey - I hear a car coming. Oh, look. It's the cops. Should we ditch? I don't want to talk to a cop. But I don't want to walk there and back. Let's just ditch this thing and make your crop circle and go home.

_The combine creeps along and takes out two mailboxes on opposite sides to the road simultaneously. _

Don - That was so cool in a really slow and anticlimactic way.

_Don is asleep on the couch with his head in Mikey's lap. Mikey is clutching a teddy bear and the TV is on._

Newscaster - In other news, a combine was stolen and driven down Magnolia Road last night and found abandoned on the road. Also a large irrigation network was moved across the street. Local new age gurus blame the phenomenon on the same aliens who supposedly made last night's crop circles. Others call it a hoax.

_Mikey wakes up and taps Don on the forehead._

Mikey - You're so cute! Just like a little green angel. I want to eat you up!

Don - You're a psycho. Shut up.

Mikey - Me? It's morning, dude.

Don - I want to blow up a silo.

Mikey - Why? Do you hate farmers?

Don - I want to see what happens when you burn silage. I thought it might cause a big explosion like non-diary creamer.

Mikey - You obsess over the weirdest thing. I bet you have a really crazy fetish we don't know about. Other than the creepy Hentai rape shit you like.

Don - I don't like it. I just looked at it because it was weird. It gave me some bad dreams, really.

Mikey - Why look at it then? I only look at good and pure things.

Don - Sure.

Mikey - Want to talk about the thing that happened? That's why Leo sent us out here.

Don - Not really.

Mikey - The sooner you talk about it, the sooner we can go back and he wouldn't let me bring the Xbox.

Don - Because it's nothing and you're all acting like I'm a little kid and I can't handle anything on my own. This stuff happens to Raph all the time and nobody nags him about it.

Mikey - Well, you're not Raph. So… this is something Raph does a lot?

Don - He does a lot of stuff.

Mikey - Drink. Cuss. Buy pink flip flops wholesale?

Don - What?

Mikey - You think we'll judge right?

Don - I don't think you'll judge. I think you'll be fine with it and then run home and tell people who will judge. And Raph. Who'll go, "Why are you bitching, you little pussy? Man up!"

Mikey - Just kick his ass.

Don - I'd rather not have the trouble.

Mikey - We already have trouble because everybody is worried over your emo trip or whatever.

Don - I'm not being emo. Am I?

Mikey - Yeah. Kinda. It's cool though. Emo are people too, I guess.

Don - Want waffles?

Mikey - Not if you make them.

_Mikey dances to Sir-Mix-a-Lot while he pours batter into an old waffle._

Don - I think they should do psychological studies on you. Analyze that crazy brain of yours.

Mikey - I won't let them because they'd be jealous! Do you want powdered sugar on yours.

Don - If you so desire it.

Mikey - How do I know what you want?

Don - I thought you could read my mind. What's going through my head right now?

Mikey - You're thinking, "Mikey is so awesome! He's the coolest brother on the face of the earth. If I had kids, I would leave them to him in my will. I bet he could be president if he could be seen in public. He's too gorgeous for the general population to see."

Don - I was actually thinking, "Wow, the butter's getting really low. I wonder if we could make a bomb out of the chemicals in the woodshed. Then I was wondering if Demons can read thoughts. I mean, theological demons. Not kappas or whatever."

Mikey - You're a weird guy, Don. I like it!

_Mikey's phone rings and he answers._

Mikey - Leo! I cannot believe this! The reception is terrible. Are you managing this with some kind of chi powers? How's Raph? Aw! Tell him that I'll come home and rub his bunions and make him feel better. I was going to put a big rubber spider in his bed. That should distract him. How are you doing? Don's fine. He's here. Nothing's blown up yet. No, I didn't hear about that crop circle. Yeah, that is a big coincidence that it happened so close to us while we're here along. They should throw the book at them and then other heavier stuff too. We'll be good. We're angels. You and Raph are the bad ones. Drinking and looking at porn. Oh, what would April say? I think you two need a lecture from Mommy! No, I didn't look at it when I found it. Goodbye, Leo. Yeah. Goodbye. Love you too. Bye. Yeah… bye… bye… (hangs up)

Don - He knows. He always knows somehow. I wish he would stop nagging. He's acting worse than the time I was turned into a rabbit.

Mikey - I loved you when you were a bunny! You were so soft and nice to cuddle.

Don - I hated being that small. And everything wanted to eat me. Casey sat on me and nearly killed me.

Mikey - Yeah, sad and droopy Don wasn't as much fun. But still cute. We should turn you back.

Don - I'm happy being a turtle. Being a bunny did have some high points. It was fun to hop around the lair, hiding from Leo. I came out when he got frustrated. I felt bad for him. I mean, he thought it was my fault and I was going to die of bunny pneumonia or something.

Mikey - He always thinks everything is his fault. You know that. That's why I try to spare his feelings by never telling him anything I do.

Don - And you're doing that for his own good huh?

Mikey - Absolutely. I only think of others.

_Mikey serves Don some waffles. _

Mikey - Voila bon appetite, senor.

_Don is asleep in bed and listening to Fergie on an iPod. There is a knock on the door and he hides it._

Don - What is it?

_Mikey sticks his head in the door._

Mikey - I had a nightmare. Can I sleep in here?

Don - You did not have a nightmare. You just don't want to be alone.

_Mikey runs in the room and jumps into bed._

Mikey - I dreamed that I was getting married and you were studying me with a clipboard while I was having my honeymoon deflowering. That was scary.

Don - Do you really think we'll ever get married?

Mikey - I'd get married. I'd totally want to get married if I could. And have kids. I'd name them all after Lord of the Rings characters. What about you?

Don - I don't know. If I met somebody interesting.

Mikey - Don… you never show much interest in girls. You're not… you know… If you were it would be totally okay!

Don - What? I'm not gay. Just because I keep it to myself means I must be gay?

Mikey - I just wanted to ask. To give you the chance to talk about it.

Don - Leo thinks I'm gay, doesn't he?

Mikey - Well…

Don - It has nothing to do with sex.

Mikey - Well, what is it? I want to go home!

Don - It's… I… let somebody get away in a fight. And they killed somebody. I could have gotten him…

Mikey - Why didn't you?

Don - I let him go. I mean, it wasn't worth it. He was almost out of reach when I realized he was there. But I saw him. And I would have had to seriously hurt him… I didn't think it was worth it. Then I saw the same guy on the news and he was caught in a rape.

Mikey - That doesn't happen to Raph all the time.

Don - Are you sure?

Mikey - He never told me about it. You means he tells you?

Don - No. I just know how to find out.

Mikey - Well… that's nothing to worry about. We can't save the world. We aren't super heroes or anything. We're just trying to keep our clan safe and defend our honor and whatever.

Don - It's hard not to think of ourselves as superheroes sometimes. But I try to keep it in mind that I can't control the world.

Mikey - You were angsting about that? I thought you had a secret girlfriend.

Don - I'm not that stupid.

Mikey - I am! I just need a girl to want me.

Don - Are you going to report in to Leo?

Mikey - I can make something up. We can pretend you were possessed.

Don - I don't care. It doesn't seem so bad now that it's out in the open. I feel so melodramatic.

Mikey - You're just quiet. Or not quiet. You just like to make no drama and that makes drama or something.

Don - So I'm dramatic because I'm not?

Mikey - Something like that.

Don - I prefer mysterious. Let's blow up a silo.

Mikey - Okay!

_Leo arrives and listens to a brief report from Don on his mental state and then silences them with a serious look and raised hand as a news report comes on TV._

Newscaster - Today several farms were damaged when a silo near Fifth and Patterson exploded. Arson is suspected.


End file.
